excess_baggage

My ipod broke recently...total bummer
but I found some old cds with good songs
most of them are scratched and skip though =(

The other day I witnessed death
which isn't really something that happens a whole lot actually in my
line of work though you think it would.
I know when I think about death I don't really have any feelings towards
it except for the fact that well it is what it is and a part of life.
It's different to experience that loss one minute a person is speaking with
you telling you stories and then just gone...
it's such a strange thing and it really makes you realize
how amazing life really is.

Even all the little problems you have
even health ones really if they don't stop you from
doing your day to day...do they really matter all that much?

I don't know I've been living in my head for the past few months
completely over taken by the situations that play with my mind and heart
and I've gotten lost and forget what it's like to feel the magnitude of life.
I've been tapping into it here and there for the past few days
I've been feeling grateful when I wake up or atleast making an effort to find the peace
and happiness in little things in life.

I'm starting to feel whole again...
I enjoy that feeling.

My life is going to calm down soon
school ends June 25th. I don't think I will really know
what to do with myself..

So I hope people start making plans. I think I will spend some
time with Damien and make some trips places.
I'd really like to check out some colleges out of state and look at their
ASL programs.

There's a program here at Madonna University...it's religious
and there are nuns....if the program is good...excellent I might be able
to tolerate it...but nuns?!
:Shudders:

I don't know we will see where life decides to take me...I am at it's whim

<3
amberjoy

"Some might say...we will find a brighter day..."

I brought my computer with me to school today
cause I felt the need to lug it around?
Meah, I just adore it and couldn't leave it behind this am

random!

We're all awesome human beings
and if everyone could really utilize their full potential
and would really be able to feel it
we'd get amazing results

If every morning we'd get up
and started the day taking care of this
machine our soul resides in
and appreciated it instead of veggin out
in front of the television eating cookies n milk
if we seen it as an investment exercise and eating right
I think people wouldn't be so angered when their doctor told
em to do it.
If people seen what I see what happens to your body when you get old
and you don't take care of yourself...and before you know it at
60 you've got diabetes and you can hardly move...I think you'd just want
to take care of yourself and realize that all that stuff your putting in your body
is going to slowly kill you...you'd want it less and less

I mean if you're given a perfectly healthy body I consider that
an awesome blessing considering that there are plenty of people
that don't get the same opportunity..
so love it and cherish it and act like you want it
it is your vehicle to the world after all

now I'm not saying I do all this because I don't
sometimes a can of coke is calling my name
and the gym might as well feel like it's a million miles away
even though its right down the road...

but I really am trying! lol

I wish I felt how I wrote daily...I'm doing better than I ever have though
and I pat myself on the back for it I guess
ya gotta start somewhere right?

I heard a good quote the other day

""If you put a low value on yourself rest assure
that the world will not raise your price."

I thought that's a good way to put it
not only is that true in relationships
you gotta value yourself
like "hey i'm awesome and someone should probably treat
me as such."
I mean everyone has something about them that is valuable
even if it's the simple fact that you love
there's plenty of people that don't
that's reason enough to put yourself on a pedestal!
Because damn it love's a hard game to play and if you can do that
that's a pretty sweet thing =)
Or maybe you can bake a mean cornbread lol
someones gonna love that
Or maybe your good at organizing a closet
or your apartment...see i'd love that!
lol
I can't organize worth a damn...
that's a whole other story though

hah

I think you could apply that to the health thing though too
you treat your body bad enough
the world will follow

perhaps once you deem yourself awesome and step up on that
pedestal though...the rest just falls into place
no room for self loathing in the awesomeness that is your life right?
Aside, from that pedestals I believe are kinda small...prolly
only enough room for your 2 feet.

This was my early morning sky yesterday


whenever I see something like that
I feel really small
in a big awesome way
lol

if that makes any sense at all
and even if it doesn't
I don't really mind

Oh p.s. I just totally got an A on my
ASL test...schweeettt


<3
peace
amberjoy

xpost myspace

People always run back to what they know
I never understood the comfort in that
especially if what they know hurts them
or is causing them strife
what's so comfy about resting your head
on a pillow made of resentment or fear?
Seems to me it'd be lumpy...

I have to stop having this connection to people's poor choices
sometimes it's hard to cut the ties even if they aren't your bad choices ya know?
I don't need to be miserable over their poor choices
It just pisses me off that there are people out there that make bad bad
decisions that hurt people and they never have to suffer the results
because people make it so they don't have too...

I think I'm odd man out here...
I like myself maybe too much
Or maybe I've just been in those situations
and I've been outta them and when fully out and to know
what that feels like you'd never EVER want to be there again
or maybe that's just my own personal way..
I'd never let anyone treat me poorly
unless it's myself
and I even try and not do that very often.

I've learned to live with my feelings instead of my head
for the most part
and most of the time if you live with just feelings
and no story behind them convincing yourself that you feel this way or that
you seem to make better choices...

I ran a mile today
running has never been my thing
I've always sucked at it...I've always used to elliptical
bike or this other awesome machine my gym has
but I'd be really super happy if I got good enough
to run in the Crim...I don't know why I care to run in that
but I do! lol
Plus, it'd keep me healthy and thats always a major plus!
So we'll see how this goes!

You know at work you can be just dragging ass
and you feel so outta it
then you check an oxygen saturation and it reads 38 and just like that
your running down the hall
and all your energy and then some comes back from no where
no coffee needed
it's an insane rush that lasts forever...

random

I made corn bread for the first time today!
I'm finna make some veggie chili to go with it
I'm excited

I've been learning to cook a lot lately
finding random recipes and trying them out here and there
it's a hit and miss thing but the hits are really good =)
and my resources around the apartment are starting to build up
like I have most things in my cupboards you need to make just about anything
spice wise anyhow...it makes me happy

Today I am grateful for that
Nothing is cooler than when you want to bake something you found
an awesome recipe too and you have all the stuff
in the cupboards and you don't even need to make a run to the store!

<3
amberjoy


"Heaven. Hell. Limbo. No one really knows where we’re going… or what’s waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure, with absolute certainty… is that there are moments that take us to another place. Moments of heaven on Earth. And maybe for now, that’s all we need to know."

Coffee shop on a rainy morning
is my favorite scenario
ok maybe not my favorite
because I really like snowy smokey nights
with chai tea or a big mug of coffee n honey
also, however I'm not ready for snow

in fact i don't know when I really will ever be ready for snow
because I don't really feel like driving in it
to flint town...

I'm having health problems
they are causing me pain
I have a dr.'s appt today
and I hope that they can help me
I've been lucky enough that these painful episodes
have happened at home on days off
and not at work because that'd be no good

Although I take care of myself
I eat right
I drink right
and I sleep right
I'm giving my body all the resources it needs
to heal itself...so I'm pretty confident it will
just takes precious time...that's all
=)
I really don't care to take any artificial hormones
or anything of that nature so I hope they don't prescribe me those
because well...I won't take them I don't think they are good for you
and I think there must be something else...

I started running the other day
I decided I really enjoy it
I'd like to be better at it
and maybe some day I can run in the Crim <3
it'd be pretty awesome

I went out with some friends the other day
and it was a fabulously fun time
I even stayed out till like 2am which
is something I never ever do...and! i woke up at 5am that day
so I deem myself amazing!

My life has been fabulous lately minus my pain issues that occasionally
bring me to my knees
it has been by far the most expensive month of my life
but somehow i've managed
and still have an extra 10 to have a drink here and there with
some good company

I love having my best friend be my neighbor
I love my familia and I like as I get older
I reconnected more with them
and they are my partners in crime instead of
the opponents
Although I think they've grown up as well
so it's a happy medium

enough random rambles

i'm out

hope everyone has a happy turkey day!

I am kind of upset to find out that the lead singer for owl city
isn't Ben Gibbard like I thought it was because it sounded
so very like him.
Booo

Upon finding this website
http://www.1000awesomethings.com

I thought I'd start writing my own
because well it's good at resetting frame of mind so!

Today's awesome thing
#1- Driving in the sunrise while good music is playing.

You know it's mid November and the sun is still rising bright and early in the morning
which I am pretty excited about since the sun is usually covered by clouds
at this time of year.
And I'm talking about good music. You know the kind that gives you goosebumps
because it's reminding you to look on the bright side. Or of how this moment
in life is only a moment but it's a part of many moments
and if they are all great or you treat them with importance that's pretty
awe-some. Or the song simply reminds you that you are blessed
even in the roughest times.
And that feeling and the bass in your chest that you can feel along with
the tingles is the best!
Combine that with the sunshine streaming through your windows
making dust particles dance and making it feel like
it's summer in your car even if you can see your breath outside
....I think is pretty awesome =)


And now I'm off to class
to speak with my hands

<3
peace
amberjoy

It's kind of a funny thing
our body is made to withstand some of the most
horrific happenings
It's a machine....all the little parts add up
to having a good day

"If you have your healthy
you're a wealthy man."

I'm a true believer in that

but it's funny how fragile we really are
how one thing can set us on a downward spiral
disregarding our health
and drowning those bad feelings in whatever
thing we can consume to make us forget the moment
or maybe a successions of moments.

I'm glad that I have figured out how to make my mind
gravitate towards being more grateful than feeling bad.
I think our society has also conditioned us to see the negative
how long can you watch t.v. without a commercial reminding you that
you're overwhelmed with life and it's upsetting so take their pill.
People all over the world some of them have almost nothing and yet
they assume the "attitude of gratitude" if you will and they
remember to be grateful for things.
It took me a long time to be able to see life differently
and it made me feel like I was crazy like there were 2 people living inside me
and essentially perhaps there are
there's the ego the mind...that wants to cling to misery
because it gives you ego if you can cope with it
give yourself a pat on the back! You made it! :thumbs up:
Also people will relate to your misery before they relate to your
happiness. Ever notice how critical the public is over your new found happiness
than they are over your replayed sadness?

I am making a thankful tree
Nicole's gonna draw me a big bare tree and I'm gonna
hang it in my (soon to be when i have enough money) office/study room
and everyday im gonna add leaves (sticky notes) of things I am
thankful for =)
I think it's a good practice and will remind me of how
fortunate I really am

My apartment is starting to really come together and feel homey
I mean it has for awhile but now I've just gotten it together more

I'm baking a ton of stuff for christmas for presents because
I have not enough money to be buyin everyone stuff that's just not gonna work for me

I'll post a picture of my thankful tree when I start it =)

I can hold basic conversations with my hands these days
ASL is totally bad ass and pretty
ok it will be more pretty when I don't have to think so much
and my hands aren't so jerky and more flowing when I speak
with them
but this is my first semester and that kind of speaking
takes time and practice.


Joshua used to sing me this song all the time =)



Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

lit up the world as
I fell asleep."



The world always seems more amazing
and peaceful
when you step out and become an observer...

I am baking stuff for xmas presents this year
because it's loving and cost effective
except for lennon and my mommy
they get presents

heh

I had a very interesting day at work today
interesting indeed

ok Nicole(my spell check alternative for this name was nickel...maybe
i will start calling her nickel) and I are going to walmart

perhaps you will see us on people of walmart.com
mmaybe?
It is Saginaw...if only we could be so lucky.

That reminds me one time when I took my residents out
one of my residents made me come look at the transvestite
in one of the isle's
she wanted to follow em around the place for the next hr
askign them questions about their hairy legs

hah
my life is so amusing sometimes

<3
peace
amberjoy

My coffee tastes exceptionally good this morning
it's sunny outside
and I just got the Demo of Blvd Nights by team sleep

I like the demo better because it's sans lyrics
I don't mind the lyrics
but the music in that song is so extremely beautiful
that the words distract me from it

So i'm glad Damien found it for me without words
I'm going to do my running around today
smoke my vanilla cloves and enjoy
the beautiful sunshine and good music

The other day while listening having some down time
at the clinic I felt an wave of thankful-ness

I am quite lucky that some how everything works out
when I don't think I'll have enough money for something I somehow
manage to make ends meet
I have this job that while I may not love it it allows me to
do the things I do love
And I have a car that runs and just some how managed to get the money
to fix it when it needs to be
and so on and I know that these are
minute things but they really are awesome and I am lucky
that my life is constantly moving and changing
and that things happen and i am able to say if i don't like this
i am changing this

I could really go on and on
but the sun is shining
and I need to go grocery shopping for dinner

point of the entry being
life is a constant reason to be thankful for
if you feel like looking.

<3
peace
amberjoy

Yesterday I worked at the free clinic
and sometimes my work isn't upsetting
and it doesn't get to me
but last night it really bothered me

almost everyone I seen was really quite sick
and everyone had high blood pressure
and they had horror stories of how they went to ER
and the doctors treated them like shit because they didn't have
insurance or they had bad things going on and waited till Wed to be seen
because they didn't have money

and they lost their jobs and they had coverage
until such and such a date and now its gone
so many people lost their jobs that were there
hardly any young people
all people in their 40s/50s who had worked their whole lives
and don't anymore
all people that work and are barely making ends meet spending their lives
just pay check to pay check day and night at a job they hate
and they aren't even worried about their health they are worried
about missing work because they don't wanna lose their job
even if their working means no rest...no re-cooping
just concerned about making money so they can pay their heating
or their car payment
all people that they had insurance but then had cancer as a pre-existing condition
so their health insurance dropped them
or their husband had history of heart attack and insurance was offered at his job
to everyone....except him..the one that needed medication the most
so his heart attacks didn't reoccure...
all people with a sad sad story...



Yeah, we don't need any sort of health care reform
to people that run these companies/some doctors
these people are nothing but trash

and it just makes me ache
because i am one of them
and i love them for how thankful they are
i love working there

If there isn't health care by time I die
I'm leaving all my money to that clinic
and considering that the wonderful governor of michigan
sitting her nice cozy house enjoying her socialized medical benifits
cut our 75,000 dollar grant helping our clinic

we don't need that money after all right?

People need to get their fucking priorities straight
.....

Inspired by bearface
and a lj friend i've decided to make a post WITH
pictures hah

I met my father recently
and after a lot of word exchange
and a fight
I think we're finding common ground
to start building on

I'm trying to move past the past
but any little thing sends me flying back
and pointing fingers on why this is his fault

but the point is I'm trying and that's all that can really be expected of
me at this point and I finally think
everyone in my family really realized the magnitude of the situation
and is cutting my some slack

I gotta go get my oil changed today
it's 60 out today and that makes me very happy
it's probably the last day of decent weather
until 6months from now
so I plan to play in it
and drive with my window down

Yesterday on my way to work taking river road
which is always my favorite way to go
I realized that the tree's standing against the sunrise
sky of light pink and baby blue both passive colors but so intense
in the morning
the tree's looked like veins and nerve endings without their leaves
and so the whole drive looked like a complex set of nervous systems

it's a little bit
awesome

a lot of funding for the free clinic is being cut and that's
a major bummer but joyce told me we weren't depending at that money
anyways so that's good
I volunteer there next week

I also found out saginaw has the only free mental health clinic
in the state
I'm gonna go talk to someone about volunteering there too b/c I miss
my mental health days a lot....

anyways

I better go get my car's oil changed and go visit
my mom at her new house and go hang out with brooke and lennon
since the other day lennon on the phone kept saying
"Ammo go bye ammo see lenny I'm lenny" lol

anyways
<3
peace
amberjoy

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