| Don't knock it you've been here before |
[30 Nov 2009|09:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
I brought my computer with me to school today cause I felt the need to lug it around? Meah, I just adore it and couldn't leave it behind this am
random!
We're all awesome human beings and if everyone could really utilize their full potential and would really be able to feel it we'd get amazing results
If every morning we'd get up and started the day taking care of this machine our soul resides in and appreciated it instead of veggin out in front of the television eating cookies n milk if we seen it as an investment exercise and eating right I think people wouldn't be so angered when their doctor told em to do it. If people seen what I see what happens to your body when you get old and you don't take care of yourself...and before you know it at 60 you've got diabetes and you can hardly move...I think you'd just want to take care of yourself and realize that all that stuff your putting in your body is going to slowly kill you...you'd want it less and less
I mean if you're given a perfectly healthy body I consider that an awesome blessing considering that there are plenty of people that don't get the same opportunity.. so love it and cherish it and act like you want it it is your vehicle to the world after all
now I'm not saying I do all this because I don't sometimes a can of coke is calling my name and the gym might as well feel like it's a million miles away even though its right down the road...
but I really am trying! lol
I wish I felt how I wrote daily...I'm doing better than I ever have though and I pat myself on the back for it I guess ya gotta start somewhere right?
I heard a good quote the other day
""If you put a low value on yourself rest assure that the world will not raise your price."
I thought that's a good way to put it not only is that true in relationships you gotta value yourself like "hey i'm awesome and someone should probably treat me as such." I mean everyone has something about them that is valuable even if it's the simple fact that you love there's plenty of people that don't that's reason enough to put yourself on a pedestal! Because damn it love's a hard game to play and if you can do that that's a pretty sweet thing =) Or maybe you can bake a mean cornbread lol someones gonna love that Or maybe your good at organizing a closet or your apartment...see i'd love that! lol I can't organize worth a damn... that's a whole other story though
hah
I think you could apply that to the health thing though too you treat your body bad enough the world will follow
perhaps once you deem yourself awesome and step up on that pedestal though...the rest just falls into place no room for self loathing in the awesomeness that is your life right? Aside, from that pedestals I believe are kinda small...prolly only enough room for your 2 feet.
This was my early morning sky yesterday

whenever I see something like that I feel really small in a big awesome way lol
if that makes any sense at all and even if it doesn't I don't really mind
Oh p.s. I just totally got an A on my ASL test...schweeettt
<3 peace amberjoy
xpost myspace
|
|
| You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone? |
[28 Nov 2009|04:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
People always run back to what they know I never understood the comfort in that especially if what they know hurts them or is causing them strife what's so comfy about resting your head on a pillow made of resentment or fear? Seems to me it'd be lumpy...
I have to stop having this connection to people's poor choices sometimes it's hard to cut the ties even if they aren't your bad choices ya know? I don't need to be miserable over their poor choices It just pisses me off that there are people out there that make bad bad decisions that hurt people and they never have to suffer the results because people make it so they don't have too...
I think I'm odd man out here... I like myself maybe too much Or maybe I've just been in those situations and I've been outta them and when fully out and to know what that feels like you'd never EVER want to be there again or maybe that's just my own personal way.. I'd never let anyone treat me poorly unless it's myself and I even try and not do that very often.
I've learned to live with my feelings instead of my head for the most part and most of the time if you live with just feelings and no story behind them convincing yourself that you feel this way or that you seem to make better choices...
I ran a mile today running has never been my thing I've always sucked at it...I've always used to elliptical bike or this other awesome machine my gym has but I'd be really super happy if I got good enough to run in the Crim...I don't know why I care to run in that but I do! lol Plus, it'd keep me healthy and thats always a major plus! So we'll see how this goes!
You know at work you can be just dragging ass and you feel so outta it then you check an oxygen saturation and it reads 38 and just like that your running down the hall and all your energy and then some comes back from no where no coffee needed it's an insane rush that lasts forever...
random
I made corn bread for the first time today! I'm finna make some veggie chili to go with it I'm excited
I've been learning to cook a lot lately finding random recipes and trying them out here and there it's a hit and miss thing but the hits are really good =) and my resources around the apartment are starting to build up like I have most things in my cupboards you need to make just about anything spice wise anyhow...it makes me happy
Today I am grateful for that Nothing is cooler than when you want to bake something you found an awesome recipe too and you have all the stuff in the cupboards and you don't even need to make a run to the store!
<3 amberjoy
"Heaven. Hell. Limbo. No one really knows where we’re going… or what’s waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure, with absolute certainty… is that there are moments that take us to another place. Moments of heaven on Earth. And maybe for now, that’s all we need to know."
|
|
|
[25 Nov 2009|10:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
Coffee shop on a rainy morning is my favorite scenario ok maybe not my favorite because I really like snowy smokey nights with chai tea or a big mug of coffee n honey also, however I'm not ready for snow
in fact i don't know when I really will ever be ready for snow because I don't really feel like driving in it to flint town...
I'm having health problems they are causing me pain I have a dr.'s appt today and I hope that they can help me I've been lucky enough that these painful episodes have happened at home on days off and not at work because that'd be no good
Although I take care of myself I eat right I drink right and I sleep right I'm giving my body all the resources it needs to heal itself...so I'm pretty confident it will just takes precious time...that's all =) I really don't care to take any artificial hormones or anything of that nature so I hope they don't prescribe me those because well...I won't take them I don't think they are good for you and I think there must be something else...
I started running the other day I decided I really enjoy it I'd like to be better at it and maybe some day I can run in the Crim <3 it'd be pretty awesome
I went out with some friends the other day and it was a fabulously fun time I even stayed out till like 2am which is something I never ever do...and! i woke up at 5am that day so I deem myself amazing!
My life has been fabulous lately minus my pain issues that occasionally bring me to my knees it has been by far the most expensive month of my life but somehow i've managed and still have an extra 10 to have a drink here and there with some good company
I love having my best friend be my neighbor I love my familia and I like as I get older I reconnected more with them and they are my partners in crime instead of the opponents Although I think they've grown up as well so it's a happy medium
enough random rambles
i'm out
hope everyone has a happy turkey day!
|
|
| Leave my door open just a crack...please take me away from here |
[18 Nov 2009|08:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
I am kind of upset to find out that the lead singer for owl city isn't Ben Gibbard like I thought it was because it sounded so very like him. Booo
Upon finding this website http://www.1000awesomethings.com
I thought I'd start writing my own because well it's good at resetting frame of mind so!
Today's awesome thing #1- Driving in the sunrise while good music is playing.
You know it's mid November and the sun is still rising bright and early in the morning which I am pretty excited about since the sun is usually covered by clouds at this time of year. And I'm talking about good music. You know the kind that gives you goosebumps because it's reminding you to look on the bright side. Or of how this moment in life is only a moment but it's a part of many moments and if they are all great or you treat them with importance that's pretty awe-some. Or the song simply reminds you that you are blessed even in the roughest times. And that feeling and the bass in your chest that you can feel along with the tingles is the best! Combine that with the sunshine streaming through your windows making dust particles dance and making it feel like it's summer in your car even if you can see your breath outside ....I think is pretty awesome =)
And now I'm off to class to speak with my hands
<3 peace amberjoy
|
|
| Trying to make your heart fit like a glove... |
[17 Nov 2009|01:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
grateful |
] |
It's kind of a funny thing our body is made to withstand some of the most horrific happenings It's a machine....all the little parts add up to having a good day
"If you have your healthy you're a wealthy man."
I'm a true believer in that
but it's funny how fragile we really are how one thing can set us on a downward spiral disregarding our health and drowning those bad feelings in whatever thing we can consume to make us forget the moment or maybe a successions of moments.
I'm glad that I have figured out how to make my mind gravitate towards being more grateful than feeling bad. I think our society has also conditioned us to see the negative how long can you watch t.v. without a commercial reminding you that you're overwhelmed with life and it's upsetting so take their pill. People all over the world some of them have almost nothing and yet they assume the "attitude of gratitude" if you will and they remember to be grateful for things. It took me a long time to be able to see life differently and it made me feel like I was crazy like there were 2 people living inside me and essentially perhaps there are there's the ego the mind...that wants to cling to misery because it gives you ego if you can cope with it give yourself a pat on the back! You made it! :thumbs up: Also people will relate to your misery before they relate to your happiness. Ever notice how critical the public is over your new found happiness than they are over your replayed sadness?
I am making a thankful tree Nicole's gonna draw me a big bare tree and I'm gonna hang it in my (soon to be when i have enough money) office/study room and everyday im gonna add leaves (sticky notes) of things I am thankful for =) I think it's a good practice and will remind me of how fortunate I really am
My apartment is starting to really come together and feel homey I mean it has for awhile but now I've just gotten it together more
I'm baking a ton of stuff for christmas for presents because I have not enough money to be buyin everyone stuff that's just not gonna work for me
I'll post a picture of my thankful tree when I start it =)
I can hold basic conversations with my hands these days ASL is totally bad ass and pretty ok it will be more pretty when I don't have to think so much and my hands aren't so jerky and more flowing when I speak with them but this is my first semester and that kind of speaking takes time and practice.
Joshua used to sing me this song all the time =)
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess, And to stop the muscle that makes us confess And we are so fragile, And our cracking bones make noise, And we are just, Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys
|
|
| You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies... |
[15 Nov 2009|08:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
lit up the world as I fell asleep."
The world always seems more amazing and peaceful when you step out and become an observer...
I am baking stuff for xmas presents this year because it's loving and cost effective except for lennon and my mommy they get presents
heh
I had a very interesting day at work today interesting indeed
ok Nicole(my spell check alternative for this name was nickel...maybe i will start calling her nickel) and I are going to walmart
perhaps you will see us on people of walmart.com mmaybe? It is Saginaw...if only we could be so lucky.
That reminds me one time when I took my residents out one of my residents made me come look at the transvestite in one of the isle's she wanted to follow em around the place for the next hr askign them questions about their hairy legs
hah my life is so amusing sometimes
<3 peace amberjoy
|
|
| Give me just an hour.... |
[13 Nov 2009|11:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
enthralled |
] |
My coffee tastes exceptionally good this morning it's sunny outside and I just got the Demo of Blvd Nights by team sleep
I like the demo better because it's sans lyrics I don't mind the lyrics but the music in that song is so extremely beautiful that the words distract me from it
So i'm glad Damien found it for me without words I'm going to do my running around today smoke my vanilla cloves and enjoy the beautiful sunshine and good music
The other day while listening having some down time at the clinic I felt an wave of thankful-ness
I am quite lucky that some how everything works out when I don't think I'll have enough money for something I somehow manage to make ends meet I have this job that while I may not love it it allows me to do the things I do love And I have a car that runs and just some how managed to get the money to fix it when it needs to be and so on and I know that these are minute things but they really are awesome and I am lucky that my life is constantly moving and changing and that things happen and i am able to say if i don't like this i am changing this
I could really go on and on but the sun is shining and I need to go grocery shopping for dinner
point of the entry being life is a constant reason to be thankful for if you feel like looking.
<3 peace amberjoy
|
|
|
[12 Nov 2009|10:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
Yesterday I worked at the free clinic and sometimes my work isn't upsetting and it doesn't get to me but last night it really bothered me
almost everyone I seen was really quite sick and everyone had high blood pressure and they had horror stories of how they went to ER and the doctors treated them like shit because they didn't have insurance or they had bad things going on and waited till Wed to be seen because they didn't have money
and they lost their jobs and they had coverage until such and such a date and now its gone so many people lost their jobs that were there hardly any young people all people in their 40s/50s who had worked their whole lives and don't anymore all people that work and are barely making ends meet spending their lives just pay check to pay check day and night at a job they hate and they aren't even worried about their health they are worried about missing work because they don't wanna lose their job even if their working means no rest...no re-cooping just concerned about making money so they can pay their heating or their car payment all people that they had insurance but then had cancer as a pre-existing condition so their health insurance dropped them or their husband had history of heart attack and insurance was offered at his job to everyone....except him..the one that needed medication the most so his heart attacks didn't reoccure... all people with a sad sad story...
Yeah, we don't need any sort of health care reform to people that run these companies/some doctors these people are nothing but trash
and it just makes me ache because i am one of them and i love them for how thankful they are i love working there
If there isn't health care by time I die I'm leaving all my money to that clinic and considering that the wonderful governor of michigan sitting her nice cozy house enjoying her socialized medical benifits cut our 75,000 dollar grant helping our clinic
we don't need that money after all right?
People need to get their fucking priorities straight .....
|
|
| Trying to find a voice that reminds you of your own |
[07 Nov 2009|09:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
Inspired by bearface and a lj friend i've decided to make a post WITH pictures hah
I met my father recently and after a lot of word exchange and a fight I think we're finding common ground to start building on
I'm trying to move past the past but any little thing sends me flying back and pointing fingers on why this is his fault
but the point is I'm trying and that's all that can really be expected of me at this point and I finally think everyone in my family really realized the magnitude of the situation and is cutting my some slack
I gotta go get my oil changed today it's 60 out today and that makes me very happy it's probably the last day of decent weather until 6months from now so I plan to play in it and drive with my window down
Yesterday on my way to work taking river road which is always my favorite way to go I realized that the tree's standing against the sunrise sky of light pink and baby blue both passive colors but so intense in the morning the tree's looked like veins and nerve endings without their leaves and so the whole drive looked like a complex set of nervous systems
it's a little bit awesome
a lot of funding for the free clinic is being cut and that's a major bummer but joyce told me we weren't depending at that money anyways so that's good I volunteer there next week
I also found out saginaw has the only free mental health clinic in the state I'm gonna go talk to someone about volunteering there too b/c I miss my mental health days a lot....
anyways
I better go get my car's oil changed and go visit my mom at her new house and go hang out with brooke and lennon since the other day lennon on the phone kept saying "Ammo go bye ammo see lenny I'm lenny" lol
anyways <3 peace amberjoy
( Read more... )
|
|
| myspace blog sharing! |
[16 Sep 2009|07:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bouncy |
] |
Every time I hear the song I remember your bodies shadow playing guitar against the television static and the flower you had tucked behind my ear in the middle of a late night walk where I couldn't see because my eyes weren't in so you held my hand
Every time I see that book I remember you quoting it in the middle of a fight and it was just the right thing to say and it put life back into perspective.
Every time I see a certain band I remember you singing one of their songs to me sitting on the corner of your bed with your hair in your face and guitar on your knee i still have that picture somewhere
The heart beats and the tapping of finger tips the exchanging of body heat the moments and memories we all wanna have
The list could go on and on really Sure we could all go back and remember situations in our lives where we were taught all the negative aspects of humanity. We could stock pile them alphabetize and categorize all the reasons we could be miserable and all the reasons why people are shitty.
Why remember all the bad things? Why choose to keep negative actions cataloged and piled up around you keeping you safe from hurt but also keeping you from seeing the light of a new day.
I believe that you learn as much from feeling good as you do from feeling bad. You don't have to think of things to know what you learned from people making poor choices. They are engraved in you. The rest of your life your actions will reflect lessons you've learned from the "bad" which ended up teaching you good lessons that help you know what you need from another person and mostly from yourself... But I dont want to constantly think of why I know the things I do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life head buried in a tear soaked pillow recounting all the times my heart has been betrayed.
I wanna remember these intimate exchanges. I got to know the most beautiful parts of anothers soul. These amazing experiences of love I was able to have. These each playing a significant part in my life at one point in time that I wouldn't have traded for any amount of money. And no amount of hurt would want me to not have those times because each one renewed my faith in humanity and every chance to love again I believe does this for a person....I think I've gotten to the point where I've learned to really never lose faith in humanity. Although, I may say I do from time to time...I have had far too many chances in life to see the awesome parts of people to let anyone make me believe that life isn't worth these seemingly fleeting things.
Respect yourself and others will follow. Not talk respect but true respect...most people get these confused...
Anyhow I just wrote a speech to impeach Bush. How awesome of an assignment is that? I coulda wrote a book for real real.
I love driving onto my Flint based campus and blaring The Word by The Beatles.
I suppose thats all....the things I think of on long drives are fabulous sometimes =)
<3 peace amberjoy
|
|
| I wish I was a little bit taller I wish I was a baller |
[11 Sep 2009|04:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
jubilant |
] |
I'm going to try and post on here more maybe it will help open my writing back up
maybe not
who really knows
I started my schoolin! I am so thankful to finally be able to start working on this part of my life. I really cannot express that enough after a year of trying to get shit straight =)
My papa told me today "amber your grandma and I talked it over and with you driving to flint we want you to have new tires so we are going to buy them for you." me: "but i get paid and..." papa: "now just shush...i'm not arguing I'm telling you this is what we are doing."
never argue with grandparents they really do mean business. I am very lucky to have family that helps me whenever they can or if I really am in need.
I do need tires...2 of em anyhow
Jim cleaned my entire apartment yesterday after I left for work and left me a nice note saying he thought i'd like it to be clean for when the girls came over for dinner. And he brought me my lunch at work cause I forgot it at home he surprised me =)
No one's really ever been that thoughtful to me in my 23yrs besides my mom lol
I love this interaction that him and I have it's simple and genuine and silly and not so heavy and weighted with worry
and I know that's how almost every friendship/relationship starts out but there's just no pressure to do anything or i dunno
It just makes me happy.
I have been reading a lot. I still don't have television and I think I plan to keep it this way. I do wanna get netflix though I love me some documentaries.
Anyhow, the speaker overhead just announced this computer will be turned off in 12minutes! This is my weekend to work =/
Next weekend I wanna go to Grand Rapids to see this band Hamilton. They are awwweeessome! From Boston. A once in a lifetime chance really. I am super excite. If my check is enough to pay rent and do that then away I will go. It will be my last trip to Grand Rapids for quite some time thats for certain.
I am scraping by with my money management. I forgot how expensive it is to live on my own. It's worth it though and to be completely honest it's really helped me practice my gratitude. I am thankful for every little thing and I know it keeps me very happy for the most part. I have also been vegitarian for over a month now and I always am able to afford food and gas and a roof over my head and a coffee every now and then and a dollar here and there to rent movies...as long as I have those things..I am good to go! And every now and then it causes me to opt out of one for the other and I am ok with that as well. It helps I tend to keep good company most days and that's free!
I guess I best get moving. I have one more chapter to read for my english class...
I shall go to the eye to do that. Even though I've had more than enough coffee today the atmosphere will be nice.
<3 peace amberjoy
|
|
| why do we act |
[21 Aug 2009|04:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
curious |
] |
as though love is some un attainable thing?
it's basic human instinct to love and there are many ways we go about it
yet when we lose it we act as though We will NEVER EVER find it again
you will never find the exact love you had with one person. that's a special interaction you had with that person that won't ever go away and no one would replace
however, you will find something similar that makes your heart pound out of your chest when they hold your hand and you will find that person that says goodnight to you in the perfect tone of voice that makes you weak
and it takes a lot to find that...but it's there if you are willing to accept it.
you will find someone that loves you as much as you love them
it's not a special something that once it's gone it's gone
but it's not like a broken bone that once it's injured it's never the same
unless you want it to be like that which I'd never understand if you did.. appreciate the love you make
it can the best learning tool you will ever have in your life
and the hardest most necessary thing to walk away from in the very same breath...
<3 peace amberjoy
|
|
| Believe that Life can change that you're not stuck in vain |
[06 Jun 2009|08:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
Today's the moving day. I have a new apartment on Malzahn
I have mixed feelings I feel like I should be more sad than I am
or that maybe I will be when I have my first night sleeping alone?
Who knows
...
I have nothing more to say I suppose....
<3
|
|
| selfish much? |
[11 Apr 2009|09:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hungry |
] |
I know this is going to sound awful but I feel the need anyhow.
I first started taking care of my mother at 14. Making sure she came home safely, missing school to make sure she was ok or just missing school because of the arguements. Making sure she was up for work or in bed when she passed out. I worried every single day about her health and her emotional status in this life. I worry about the lack of love she had or the love that she had for the wrong person.
For 6 years that was my focus. My emotional drain in life. I know that it was unintentional and I don't love her any less for it. I just never much understood it and never will probably.
Now everyday for the past 4 years I spend almost all day every day caring for people. I watch for signs of their slow down fall should they have one and correct when needed and I watch their small victories and I cheer them a long on the side lines....sometimes with a hug or sometimes with a cheer. Sometimes with a silly inside joke that we have I support them every day I'm there and even when I'm not.
At the hospital it's the same thing for 12 hours a day I'm consistently checking things to make sure people are ok sometimes people are hanging by a thread and I observe them all day long to make sure they don't accidentally forget to breathe... I clap for their small victories and listen to their disappointments their love lives...and their regrets.
I enjoy my work. I honestly do. This wasn't a complaint in any way because if I didn't love what I do I'd be miserable.
However, at the end of my days...when I come home. I'm tired of worrying about everyone. I don't want to take care of anyone.
At the end of my days I just want someone to take care of me. I don't want to try anymore I am exhausted in my mind and in my heart sometimes. I'm just burnt out..I don't wanna try to make an emotional bond work I just want it to work...
I know this sounds selfish and awful because it takes 2 right? It needs to be two people helping each other.
I used to do that however, lately I feel like all my helping is used outside my home life and I just wanna not help anymore I wanna be helped. I want my back rubbed because it seems like the right thing to do not because I ask I want to have flowers bought not as an apology but because I am simply special =) I want to vent about my worrisome day and be taken out to dinner to be made feel better I want my birthday present to be COMPLETELY bought for me not because it's your favorite band
I know all of this would happen in a perfect world and this is anything but.
I guess I'm just exhausted...not in a physical sense but an emotional one I don't wanna try I just wanna be and I just wanna be taken care of..
I feel like it's my turn.
:continues to whine and bitch:
and now Red Wings Game
|
|
|
[04 Apr 2009|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
she listens to her messages and it says "i'm in love with you more than i ever have been and there's nothing i can do i miss you terribly."
she presses 7 delete
because she doesn't want to care
|
|
| A quote to live by... |
[21 Jan 2009|04:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
If you want others to be happy practice compassion. If you want to be happy practice compassion.
=)
Amen.
|
|
| I hate winter |
[15 Dec 2008|08:13am] |
|
It's days like this that make me miss days like that.
|
|
| Some times |
[25 Nov 2008|11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
watching Intervention makes me upset it makes me remember how things were around my house and how no logic or safety with life was ever used
and how difficult it was to watch the most important person in your life make poor depressing decisions over and over again
glad life changes =)
anyhow, i just volunteered to make 6 blankets for my residents
i don't know why i would do something like that as if i'll have the time! i suppose i will spend 2 days making blankets and if i dedicate myself then i will really just have them done i am sure
i am kind of excited for it
and geoff and i are going to a red wings game and i got my mom a book for xmas
so my xmas shopping is taken care of really aside from buying stuff to donate
what a calming feeling
damien and i are off to the library
peaceout
amber
|
|